first emotion of the day

So all my friends, meaning the two/three I talk to about my whole breakup told me not to call him. But I missed him so much I decided to. Now my brain is going crazy. It went to voicemail after 2 rings. That means he saw I was calling and hung up. Of course now I'm wondering where he is, what he's doing etc... I could go on facebook through Lauren but I've been good for about 5 days now and haven't checked it. I'm not going to start now. My rational brain is saying, maybe he's out, he knows I hate it when he picks up and I can't hear anything because it's so loud. Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me considering I ignored the last time he called. I'm really not trying to play any game, and I am hoping that he isn't either. I think I need to do what I want to do when I feel like it. In terms of making myself happy. Because right now I'm miserable and sad and missing him so so much. I know my friends are saying it's because I was just at Denison which is obviously where we met, but not where we started dating. So I don't really have a lot of memories there of him.

Ughh, just thought maybe he was on the subway or path or something and doesn't see I called if that's what it was. Should I text him? When he used to do that to me it drove me crazy. I guess it's kind of selfish in a way. Maybe he's trying to move on and doesn't want to talk to me. That will make me so terribly sad because I am so not there yet. Not even close. I guess a part of me doesn't want to be. He's my best friend. I can't imagine being with anyone else. The thought does not appeal to me at all.

I think when we broke up at first I still had it in my head that it would be like last time and it wouldn't really be a breakup, that we would still talk. Although I knew in order to save the relationship or move past it, we needed time apart. Now I don't think it's been enough time apart yet but I have been thinking a lot, in my 10 hour solo car trip mainly but pretty much all the time, about our relationship and of course now I'm really struggling to think of the bad stuff. Yes, I know it was there. We were very far from perfect and we both know that. But thinking about how I am when I'm with him, we're good together. So all this thinking has put me in phase 2 I think. Sadness. Phase 1 was denial. And I am very good at that. I had a couple days to myself to grieve but then I was so busy I didn't have time to think about it and just felt like it would come around again. Now that it's been almost a month, I'm really starting to feel the lack of his presence. I wonder if because it was long distance at the end, it has taken me longer to really feel that void. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

It's so good to talk to Diana because we're basically in the exact same place right now, misery loves company. So true. I guess it's good and bad because since we're girls, we can analyze to the death. And I know boys don't, at least as much. Although I'm not sure about Joe. He's pretty introspective. I just want to talk to him because I miss him and I feel so bad that he didn't pick up my call. But I guess I deserve it because I didn't pick up his call even though I knew he would be drunk. I'm not drunk. Totally sober, just got off work and got home. There's definitely a difference but it's possible he's punishing me for not picking up his call two weeks ago. I know how it feels to be ignored and have no way of communicating, it's terrible and all those feelings are coming back BIG time. Like in the past 20 minutes since my call went to voicemail...