old king cole

I used to LOVE this movie when I was little!! This is one of my favorite parts, I remember when I watched this when I was little, I really liked the guy standing next to Little Bo Peep in the football shoulder pads, it just never made sense and I thought it was so cool. And Little Richard SCARED me!! If you have never seen this, you should youtube Mother Goose Rock 'N Rhyme and watch the whole thing. Lauren said she thinks when we were little our parents were all on acid. The movie is nuts and very overtly sexual which I didn't notice when I was younger. But it makes me still enjoy it as a 25 year old!

26.2

I am quite impressed with Will Meaker's marathon training. In the last two hours I have seen him drink about 5 beers and smoke 2 cigarettes. When I asked him when he started training, he said, well I'm a runner. I run about 5 or 6 miles a day, I figured a marathon couldn't be that hard. And while I expressed concern with his relaxed approach to the marathon he will run in about 30 hours, I am also impressed with his ability to brush it off as merely an extension of his usual 6 mile workout. As in, I fully believe he will finish the marathon in a respectable time, maybe even smoking a celebratory cigarette as he completes the last mile. I'm envious of those people who know what they want, and can get there without even a backwards glance. The contrast between him and my friend Maria is amazing. She has been training since possibly before Christmas, with a personal trainer. She has lost weight and is taking time to prepare. While Will, his friend Mike, Diana and I were out drinking tonight; Maria took off work at the restaurant and was probably in bed by 10:30. That sort of dedication also impresses me. What does that mean that I am impressed with dedication, hard work and motivation as well as unpreparedness and an unwavering confidence?

Also, big sidenote... I am pretty sure I have the most fun with Diana over any other person in my life. Thanks for the outfit and confidence to wear it :) Photos to follow...

Also more photos to follow of my stupid back door and it's non-glued-in-place windows that I might or might not have broken. At least none of the windows broke!

put a ring on it???

What does it mean when I have a dream about my engagement ring and wedding band? There was no actually wedding but I remember the part where I put the engagement ring on my right finger before the wedding so I could put the wedding band on my left hand during the ceremony. And then after the wedding that I don't remember, I switched the engagement ring to be on the same finger as the band. So weird, no idea why I dreamed that. Is my brain telling me something I've been pushing away for years?

Mom hug

I learned something today... a two-year old hug is almost as good as a mom hug. Especially when that two-year old has big brown eyes staring up at you through little tiny pink plastic glasses.

back on track

Today is the first day I've woken up without the pit in my stomach in quite awhile. I am in a good mood and feeling as close to happy as I have been in about a month. It's a good feeling. I think, regardless of what happens, it was good to let my emotions out. It's been a really really long time since I've done that. I wasn't even planning on it. At first after I did, I felt terrible because I didn't get the response I wanted. But I'm learning to rely on myself and know that what I did was good for me if for nothing else. And it definitely started some dialogue and *maybe* something good will come from it. I can dream. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at least we're talking and it's unbelievable how much I have missed him. It's also unbelievable to me that so many of these posts have been about him and our relationship and me feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to get back on track.

HBJ

xo

Time after time

This is both hilarious and scary close to being reality... I don't know how I feel about that...

Oh my god! Best line to get away from someone ever! Ahahahahahah!!!
"Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood."

The feeling's mutual

Today was not the day to get on my nerves. I don't care if you were an adorable two year old looking up at me with big blue eyes while simulaneously drinking dirty pool water and hitting the poor little defenseless baby sitting next to you. I don't care if you were the person on the other end of the phone who accidentally called the wrong number just looking for someone who looks after her middle aged brother. I don't care if you were the mostly fun but today extremely over the top annoying 5th, 6th and 7th grade lacrosse team who kept whining about how hot it was and not listening to anything either Haleigh or I said. I don't care if you were the Sheraton shuttle driver who conveniently drifted into my lane and cut me off to sit at a red light for 5 minutes while apologizing to me through your mirror. I guarantee if today was the day you met me, you would have hated me. And the feeling would have been mutual.

Oof

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. All I've been doing is tossing and turning in my sleep for weeks. Tough conversation last night. I'm glad I did it but it's hard not getting the response I want. I guess it's a taste of my own medicine. It's not a good feeling and it makes me sick.

But Diana is right, I need to not wait around right now, I need to do something for myself. Maybe I'll take a pottery class or a dance class or something. I can do it solo. I always like having other people around to do stuff with but I think it's time to do something on my own. That will be my goal over the next few days...find something I can do by myself, for myself. Can't wait until Di's home, it can't come soon enough!

bloopies

If you are feeling low or bored...youtube news bloopers. amazing. They kill me everytime. I'll find a good video to post but it's 2am and I'm still awake. Need to try to sleep. But seriously, news bloopers. Do it.

first emotion of the day

So all my friends, meaning the two/three I talk to about my whole breakup told me not to call him. But I missed him so much I decided to. Now my brain is going crazy. It went to voicemail after 2 rings. That means he saw I was calling and hung up. Of course now I'm wondering where he is, what he's doing etc... I could go on facebook through Lauren but I've been good for about 5 days now and haven't checked it. I'm not going to start now. My rational brain is saying, maybe he's out, he knows I hate it when he picks up and I can't hear anything because it's so loud. Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me considering I ignored the last time he called. I'm really not trying to play any game, and I am hoping that he isn't either. I think I need to do what I want to do when I feel like it. In terms of making myself happy. Because right now I'm miserable and sad and missing him so so much. I know my friends are saying it's because I was just at Denison which is obviously where we met, but not where we started dating. So I don't really have a lot of memories there of him.

Ughh, just thought maybe he was on the subway or path or something and doesn't see I called if that's what it was. Should I text him? When he used to do that to me it drove me crazy. I guess it's kind of selfish in a way. Maybe he's trying to move on and doesn't want to talk to me. That will make me so terribly sad because I am so not there yet. Not even close. I guess a part of me doesn't want to be. He's my best friend. I can't imagine being with anyone else. The thought does not appeal to me at all.

I think when we broke up at first I still had it in my head that it would be like last time and it wouldn't really be a breakup, that we would still talk. Although I knew in order to save the relationship or move past it, we needed time apart. Now I don't think it's been enough time apart yet but I have been thinking a lot, in my 10 hour solo car trip mainly but pretty much all the time, about our relationship and of course now I'm really struggling to think of the bad stuff. Yes, I know it was there. We were very far from perfect and we both know that. But thinking about how I am when I'm with him, we're good together. So all this thinking has put me in phase 2 I think. Sadness. Phase 1 was denial. And I am very good at that. I had a couple days to myself to grieve but then I was so busy I didn't have time to think about it and just felt like it would come around again. Now that it's been almost a month, I'm really starting to feel the lack of his presence. I wonder if because it was long distance at the end, it has taken me longer to really feel that void. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

It's so good to talk to Diana because we're basically in the exact same place right now, misery loves company. So true. I guess it's good and bad because since we're girls, we can analyze to the death. And I know boys don't, at least as much. Although I'm not sure about Joe. He's pretty introspective. I just want to talk to him because I miss him and I feel so bad that he didn't pick up my call. But I guess I deserve it because I didn't pick up his call even though I knew he would be drunk. I'm not drunk. Totally sober, just got off work and got home. There's definitely a difference but it's possible he's punishing me for not picking up his call two weeks ago. I know how it feels to be ignored and have no way of communicating, it's terrible and all those feelings are coming back BIG time. Like in the past 20 minutes since my call went to voicemail...

guilty pleasure

Just let it happen. I'm obsessed. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan's Rumors song and video.

bittersweet

So I just had a mostly really nice day. I was productive at work, even though I still hate my job, I felt relatively normal and happy at times, I talked to Sara who said she can road trip it out to Denison with me, I got a pedicure, I fixed a button on my jacket (trust me, that's an accomplishment), I went to drinks with some of my good girlfriends from Howard and had a great talk with my landlord. I'm so SO excited to drive out to Denison and party with my brother and Sara for a few days before graduation. Maybe it's reliving my college days which embarassingly is now 4 years ago but I'm ok with it. I'm really pumped to meet/hang out with his roommates and best friends in an environment that I feel totally comfortable in. I'm so happy I chose Denison because it was just the perfect choice for me and I made some of the best friends ever when I was there.

Although it will be slightly sad for me because I guess I always expected that Joe would be at Denison with me the next time I went out there. I assumed he would be with my family to celebrate my brother graduating 4 years after we both did. Even though we don't live in the same place and haven't for over a year, it just always seemed like a given and yet it's not. It makes me sad and want to call him because a lot of my last memories of Denison are also of Joe and the great times we had together. I guess that's partly why I'm so excited to get back, maybe reliving my college days? Although I really don't think so. More like new memories to replace old and perhaps that will help me in the grieving/getting over it/getting past it/moving on phase? I highly doubt it because I've been craving a phone call to Joe. I just know at this point it would be counterproductive, even though he has told me not to fight it. I know our paths will cross again, that I am sure of. What I am not sure of is how long it will be and how long it will take for us not being together to be the norm.

Christian the lion

I just had such a nice dinner with my parents for Mother's Day. I think it was just what everyone needed! I love my mom! She's just too cute.

Also, can we talk about how every SINGLE time I watch this video, I cry. No exceptions and I've seen it at least a dozen times.

Betty White

Got a massage yesterday which I was really looking forward to. And although it was great and wonderful because getting a massage is one of my most favorite things in the world, I couldn't turn my mind off. It's weird that the one place I went to relax is the one place I couldn't get away and turn off my own thoughts. It's been awhile since I was alone with my own mind. Lots going on in there that I didn't even know I was thinking about! Not ready to talk about it but good to know it's there and I'm not completely devoid of emotion.

Oh and also we won both our lacrosse games today! Very excited about that, even though it was SNOWING in May. SNOWING!!! Although the snow did make my hair curl quite beautifully. I'm going to take a photo because it honestly looks like I curled it on purpose. I love it. Not even going to shower.

Omg, Betty White on SNL. It's like SNL from 10 years ago. Good. I loved it. Did anyone else notice that no women from the new SNL was in the most recent episode with Betty White? Ok, besides Kristen Wiig, but she's almost grandfathered in. Otherwise, the girls should just realize they're not funny, just pretty. Of course, according to Lauren, SNL has become about pretty girls and not about funny. I tend to agree although the guys are still as unattractive as ever and are still hilarious. I guess not super unattractive, more just average looking.

dream

I woke up after having a dream that Andy from Weeds and I had just started dating. It was that brand new feeling where things are exciting and you can't stop smiling and thinking about the other person. And he was so sweet! I haven't had that feeling in so long. Is it possible to keep that feeling even if you've been with someone for a really long time? Anyway, it was a really nice dream which was exciting after not sleeping well for about two weeks now.

Bex and the City

Ok, so technically I don't live in "the city" which in my mind is and will always be New York. Although I did live in Manhattan up until a year ago, I can no longer claim it as my own. Until recently, that didn't bother me. Living in Vermont for the past year has made me really happy. I've loved living here and enjoying everything Vermont has to offer that New York doesn't. But lately I've been missing New York and I'm not sure why... Maybe I like spring in New York? Maybe I miss my New York friends? The first week where it's warm enough to drink outside on the sidewalk... where I don't have to wear a jacket outside.... This post was really not meant to be about New York at all...but I guess it's fitting considering the title of my blog. First try, we'll see how this goes...