Racist

JL: "I'm not racist but... I don't like black people."
Me: "Well J, that is what being racist is."

To the bar

DM: "Can we go to Franny-O's?"

Good beats

EC: "That car has some good beats."

Hate

CR: "I fucking hate you!"

Dirty

*To a 14 year old girl*

Me: "Don't touch that pigeon!!"

Thank you

BM: "Thank you so much, I'm having so much fun!"

Herb

*Seeing a box of garlic and herb rice*

DM: "Isn't herb like a drug? You know, like... like heroin?"

Poop

DM: "I might have to fart. But it might be a poop."
Me: "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
DM: "No, I'll just hold it."
Me: "It's not good to hold it D."
DM: "It's ok!"

*5 minutes later*

DM: "Yep, I have to poop! I'll be back in twenty minutes."

Old century

CR: "You're from the old century. Like before Ipods and cell phones and computers."

Bring it

CP (to me): "You wanna go, little girl?"

SMD

JL: "SUCK MY DICK!"

Scissoring

*While playing 500*

CP: "I'm gonna scissor you!!!!"

FLB

C: "You're a fucking lesbian BITCH!"

Women drivers

*Playing the game of Life*

(After landing on the 4th car accident square on the board)

Me: "Wow! I have been in a lot of accidents!"
KB: "Ugh! Women drivers!"

Birthday present

Me: "Happy day after your birthday! I can't believe you're 9 now!"
MFM: "Yeah, well, I wish you could get me a birthday present."

Mocha

AC: "You know how I'm half black?"
Me: "Yes."
AC: "I'm mocha!"

Ready, set, go

MFM: "Why can't you pick me up earlier?"
Me: "Because I am running the Girls on the Run group. I'm the head coach."
MFM: "So you say 'Ready, set, go!'?"

Halfrican

CS: "Are you half bwack?"

Dirty car

RK: "Can we get your car washed?"

Vitamin water

*Watching city bus with Vitamin water ad drive by*

RK: "Is that bus going to the Vitamin water store?"
Me: "That would make sense."

Secret agent

RK: "Your car looks like a secret agent car... Is it?"
Me: "I can't tell you."

Cock slap

AC mom: "Get this, A said to her sister the other day: 'If you don't shut your mouth I'm going to cock slap you!' And I know she didn't get that shit from me. I've said bitch slap, but never cock slap."

The place where black people are from

CS: "I have a pen pal named Mohammed."
Me: "Cool, where's he from?"
CS: "Way-uh's that place black people ah fwom?"

SD: "Goodness gracious!"

Birth control

SD: "Can you take me to get birth control?"

Not touching this yet

MFM: "I know where babies come out of."

Ray Romano haircut

Me: "Nice haircut."
BS: "Thanks, I was going for a Ray Romano haircut."
Me: "I see it."

I don't speak British

CS: "We have a Bwitish sub tomowoah."
Me: "Cool."
CS: "I don't wike huh. She's been ow-ah sub befoah."
Me: "Why don't you like her?"
CS: "Because she doesn't unduh-stand what we ah saying. Because she speaks a diffewent wanguage."
Me: "Um, no she doesn't. She speaks English like us."
CS: "No! She speaks Bwitish. She has to wook up ev-we-thing we say!"
Me: "Well, you should be patient with her."

Dildos, condoms, and piercings, oh my!

GMK: "My mom has everything pierced. I mean EVERYTHING. Including her boobies and crotch."
Me: "..."
GMK: "I found condoms in her room. And a dildo."
Me: "Well it's important to be safe."
GMK: "She bought the dildo at Spencer's while I was looking at something else."
Me: "Did that make you uncomfortable?"
GMK: "The dildo was gross..."
Me: "..."

It starts at age 8 huh?

*While fishing* CS: "Whose pole is longer?"

Handcuffs

MFM : "I brought my handcuffs!" Me: "Why?!"

Things you don't want children yelling in public

*While playing tag at a park with a dad and 2 girls*

8 year old MFM: "Pussy! Pussy!"

Old parents

MFM: "That dress is so pretty!"
Me: "Maybe one day you'll have a dress from here. I do."
MFM: "You do? Why?"
Me: "I got my prom dress here."
MFM: "Can you bring it next time?!"
Me: "No, it's at my parents' house."
MFM: "They don't need it. Your parents are too old for another baby."
Me: "Ahahahahah!!"

So. Much. Vomit.

BS: "HUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! BLEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WUUAGHHHHHHH!!!"

I'm dying my hair pink

RK: "Becca, you should dye your hair pink!"

Cigars

BS: "Becca, can I talk to you about something?"
Me: "Sure B, what's up?"
BS: "I've started smoking cigars."

Condoms

SD: "That's a lot of people getting off the bus."
Me: "Yeah, are there a lot of houses back there?"
SD: "No. A lot of condoms."

Hepatitis

S: "What is hepatitis?"

Wock cwime-ing

CS: "Becca, can I be-way you?"
Me: "No C, I'm too heavy for you to belay me."
CS: "No! I weigh mo-ah than you!"
Me: "No you don't."
CS: "Yes! I do! How much do you weigh?"
Me: "How much do YOU weigh?"
CS: "You fuhst!"
Me: "I bet you weigh about 60 pounds."
CS: "Nope! I weigh about 80!"
Me: "If I weighed 80 pounds I would look disgusting. But thank you."

Who is telling the truth? I hope it's not both.

SD: "Why does your car smell like a farm?"

*Next day*

MD: "Your car smells like you."
Me: "Is that bad?"
MD: "No! It just smells like you."


....One of them is lying to me.... I really hope it's contestant number 1....

Ripped

*While I am examining his onesie snowsuit*

BS: "Is anything ripped?"
Me: "No, you're good."
BS: "Something is ripped!"
Me: "What?"
BS: "I'M RIPPED!"

Don't got no tadpoles

SD: "I thought they were tadpoles. But we don't have no frogs in our aquarium."

Mohawk

Me: "Your haircut is sick, C."
CS: "Thanks. I weally wanted a mohawk. You know, just hay-uh in the midd-uhl. I want to dye it gween and wisten to wock and woll. I would be so coo-uhl."

Hardcore jumping jacks

AC: "I did jumping jacks for... 6 hours."
RR: "6 hours??"
AC: "Well, I took breaks."

Bigger is better

MFM: "Bigguh is bettah."

Dominant male

BS: "My dog thinks he's the dominant male. But, YOU know... snip snip!"

Caffeine or chlorine

CS: "I can't open my mouth underwater because of the caffeine."
Me: "You mean chlorine?"
CS: "No, I mean caffeine."

No more laxatives for you!

BS: "I've had diarrhea every day for the past two years."

ADHD

AC: "Do you know what kind of ADHD I ha - Look! Two guys in suits!"

How to achieve clean and shiny nails

CS: "Do you know how I get my nails so kween?"
Me: "Do you cut them and wash them with soap?"
CS: "No! But you have to pwah-miss not to tell anyone. My mom says I al-weady get emba-wessed enough."
Me: "I can't promise you I won't tell anyone but I'd like to know."
CS: "Pwah-miss?!"
Me: "I can't do that C."
CS: "Ok, well I put cle-ah nail po-wish on them to make them so shiny. See?!"
Me: "They look great! And I won't tell anyone."

Sex drive

KFM: "I've seen lots of movies. I watched one called Sex Drive. I thought it was going to be about a cancer drive for people of the same sex."
RR: "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard."

Po po

DR: "Drive fast, like the po po is chasing you!"
Me: "Po po?"
DR: "Yeah, it's a bad way to say the police."
Me: "That's not very nice, police are good people."
DR: "No they're not! They took my mommy away to jail."
Me: "Oh, yeah..."

Sexy

Me: "So do you usually call your boyfriend Charles or Charlie?"
SD: "Charles I guess..."

*Pause*

SD: "Actually, I call him 'sexy'."

Boys

AC: "How do you get a boy to like you?"

Snakes

Me: "So what's your boyfriend like?"
SD: "You mean what does he look like or what's he like?"
Me: "What's his personality like?"
SD: "I dunno... he likes snakes..."

So innocent

DR: "Where do you people learn these words?!"

Creative insult

C: "Go dry hump your mother!!!"

First time shaving

BS: "So, I guess I can tell you why I have this cut on my lip..."
Me: "Oh yeah, what's that from?"
BS: "I shaved for the first time. I know, it doesn't look like I have to, but I have peach fuzz. I even had to put the toilet paper on the cut!"
Me: "Oh... ow."

Sprinkles

*After getting ice cream*

GB: "Sprinkles bring joy to everyone!"