Ke$ha

AC: (Pretending climbing rope is a necklace) "Becca, do you like my necklace?"
Me: "Oooo yeah! Is that designer?"
AC: "Duh. It's Ke$ha."
Me: "Oh my God! Ahahahah!"

Did you get me a Christmas present?

Me: "B, thank you so much for the Christmas present! That was so thoughtful of you and your family!"
BS: "So, did you get me a Christmas present?"
Me: "Um, no."

Fistpump

CS: "What should my password be?"
Me: "How about your pets' name-"
CS: "Fistpump!"

Handpicked

MFM: "I'm glad you picked me. I have fun with you."

Christmas dinner

CS: "Wait, can you come ovuh fo-ah Kwis-mas dinnuh?"

Worst nightmare ever

SD: "Your hair looks like a spider."

Make sure your kids believe in Santa, otherwise you will have this conversation...

CS: "Ho ho ho! That was on a window."
Me: "Who else says that?"
CS: "Santa! Actually, Mom says is because Mom is Santa."
Me: Silence...
CS: "Yeah, thay-uh was a wo-ah (war) on Kwismas eve and Santa was killed by the Iwakians (Iraqians) in 1904. So now Mom is Santa. I'd like to go to the no-ath pole someday."
Me: "Yeah? Who would you want to see there?"
CS: "Thay-uh's no one thay-uh! Santa is dead."
Me: "What about polar bears or Santa's elves or reindeer?"
CS: "No! They all get thay-uh powuh fwom Santa so they ah all dead too!"
Me: Silence.

Dark alley

DR: "Have you ever walked down a dark alley?"

Bunny ears

Me: "C, can you please stop giving me bunny ears?"
CB: "It means I love you. And also something inappropriate."

Hip hopping

Me: "D, do you know who Snoop Dogg is?"
DR: "Yeah, he's a gangster."
Me: "What's a gangster?"
DR: "He hip hops. And people shoot him."

Pinecone

SD: "What is this? A pinecone?"
Me: "... I think it's a hedgehog."

*Ten minutes later*

SD: "It's a porcupine!"
Me: "Yes, yes it is."

Best friend

DR: "Becca, you're my best friend."

Wear your hair down, Becca

MFM: "Becca, next time we meet, can you way-uh yo-ah hay-uh down? You always way-uh it in a ponytail."
Me: "I do?" (Yes, I do, because she constantly has lice and I don't want to get it...)

Testicles

AJ: "Do you guys know what testicles are?"

Bad pwesident

CS: "I don't want Obama to be pwesident."
Me: "Why?"
CS: "Because he wants to kill all the home-wess people and the weally weally wich."

Grandson

MF: "Becca, do you have a son?"
Me: "No..."

*Pause*

Me: "Why do you ask M?"
MF: "Because of the picture of the little boy in your office." (Pointing)
Me: "Oh, no."
MF: "Do you have a grandson?"

Sleeping raccoon

SD: "Ew, there's a dead raccoon in the middle of the road."
Me: "Yeah."
SD: "Maybe it's just sleeping..."

Snake pee

KF: "Do you know what else salmonella is in?
Group: "What?"
KF: "Snake pee."

Crotch

AC: "Ow my crawfish!! My crawfish!!"

Lice. Ew.

*Baking cookies*

MFM: "I should probably itch my head away from the batter."
Me: "That's a good idea, M."
MFM: "I have lice!"
Me: "WHAT?!"

Puke and a boob grab

Yesterday, I was puked on. There was also an accidental boob grab.



No quote necessary...

Real grown-up

DR: "Wait, you're a real grown-up? Like not in college anymore? I thought you were still in college."

Slice of cheese

MFM: "What are we doing today?"
Me: "We're going to the corn maze!"
MFM: "Do you think there will be a slice of cheese at the end?"

Are you sorry about punching and kicking the windows? Or unbuckling in heavy traffic? Or getting mud everywhere, including the ceiling? I just want to be clear what you're sorry about...

DR: "I'm sorry I kicked your car."

Just what I needed :)

MFM: "I wish you could pick me up aftah school evuh-wee day!"

Dark guys

10 year old AC: "I really dig dark guys."

This was a good pairing :)

Motorcycle chick

DR: "Who's in front of us?"
Me: "Danni."
DR: "That's Danni's car?!"
Me: "Yep."
DR: "I thought she had a motorcycle!"
Me: "You thought she was going to pick up your sister on her motorcycle?!"

Phish

BS: "Would it be a conflict of interest to meet up with you at the Phish concert?"
Me: "Probably but I'll ask my supervisor."

(Translation: Yes, yes it is a conflict of interest and no I will not be meeting up with you at the Phish concert.)

Mommy?!

AC: "I want that dollhouse Mommy!"
Me: ...uncomfortable silence....

Born see-through

KC: "Hey G, your lips are purple."
GB: "My lips are purple because I was born see-through!"

Adult kindergarten

AJ: "Where is Miss Kristen?"
BK: "She's going to college!"
AJ: "Adult college?"
Me: "Yes, adult college."
AJ: "So does that mean she has to go to adult kindergarten?"

No kegs allowed

*In line to pay to get into the beach*

BK: "There's no kids allowed at the beach?"
Me: "Of course kids are allowed at the beach!"
BK: "But it says... no kids."
Me: "Where does it say that B?"
BK (pointing): "That sign right there!"
Me (reading sign - NO KEGS): "Oh, no B... kids are allowed."
BK: "Why does that sign say no kids?!"
Me: "I don't know..."

One of the best kids' quotes ever. Promise.

D: "I have a cock."
Me: "A what??"
D: "A cock."
Me: "You mean like a rooster?"
D: "No."
Me: "......."
D: "A cocker spaniel."

That's an everyday occurrence

B: "Are you sick?"
Me: "No..."
B: "Oh, your voice sounds really deep."

Turning into a virgin

MN: "My sister is a vegetarian... but she's turning into a virgin."

What's the difference between a lady and a woman?

BK to his mom: "You thought Becca was Kristen? Kristen's a lady!"
Me: "B, what do you think I am??"
BK: "You're a woman."

How do you take your coffee?

7 year old BK: "I only drink coffee!"
Me: "How do you take your coffee?"
BK: "To work."

College - actually, pretty accurate

S: "All college kids spend their money on Ramen, liquor, drugs and girls."

You should see me in the winter

RM: "Becca, you're so pale. Are you a vampire?"

Not the word you're thinking of

J: "Want to hear something funny? I just saw someone changing and he was naked!"
DP: "That's not funny..."
EA: "He just said the 'N' word!!"

Tanning backwards

JM: "If I tan will I turn into a white person?"

Fact: how seagulls have babies

PB: "Do you know why there are so many seagulls here?"
Me: "Why?"
PB: "Because seagulls poop out babies."

Living Skills fail

MD: "I'm going to be pregnant when I'm 18."
Me: "Clearly I have not done my job."

Excuse me, where can I find the nearest baby store?

GB: "What's your kid's name?"
Me: "What kid?"
GB: "Don't you have a kid?"
Me: "Oh, no. I don't have any."
GB: "You want to know what you should do? You should buy a baby."
Me: "I'll look into it."

Man nipples

*Watching piglets drink milk from mama pig*

SI: "I'm glad I'm a MAN and that won't happen to my nipples!"

Gotcha

*On a field trip in the blacksmith's shop*

J: "What can you make?"
Blacksmith: "Oh, just about anything!"
C: "Can you make hot dogs?"

Worse than bridezilla

TM: "Yeah my aunt has turned into a total bride-asaurus."

Big muscles

Me: "My dad ran by your house during the marathon."
CS: "Oh yeah, I saw him."
Me (surprised because there were thousands of runners and C has never met my dad): "You did?!"
CS: "Wait, does he have big muscles?"
Me: "Yeah, he does."
CS: "Yeah! I saw him!"

Walk like an African

CS: "My mom doesn't want me to walk like they do in Africa."
Me: "How do they walk in Africa?"
CS: "Barefoot."

Bitchy and evil... Who am I talking about?

MD: "I miss the old Miley Cyrus, she was sweet and nice. Now she's bitchy and evil."
Me: "Yeah, she's definitely not Hannah Montana anymore!"

A whole different use for a thermometer

*BW telling me about the incentives and prizes through her running group, Girls on the Run*

BW: "Yeah, and they gave us a thermometer so we can keep track of how many steps we take."

Half a vegeta-wian

CS: "I'm half a vegeta-wian. Because I wike vegetables but I also wike meat."

Working vacation

CS: "Becca, how long is a pwane wide?"
Me: "It depends where you're going."
CS: "Fwo-wida."
Me: "About 3 and a half hours."
CS: "Ok. Me and you ah going to go they-uh togeth-uh."
Me: "Like for vacation?"
CS: "Yeah!"

Slow growing

*Talking about who we are hanging out with the following day*
CS: "How old is Z?"
Me: "He's 10, but he's your height."
CS (to himself): "Just remember C, some people grow slow."
Me: "What?"
CS: "Nothing. I'm talking to myself."

Spoken like a true diva. Thanks Mariah Carey.

MD: "Boys sweat and girls glow."

What do you see? I'll tell you the right answer once I get 15 followers...

Not judging a book by its' cover

Me: "C, don't the mountains look beautiful today?!"
CS: "I don't judge mountains by how they look. I judge them by how they feel."

Anime convention

Me: "How was the Anime Convention M?"
MN: "It was great!"
Me: "What did you do there?"
MN: "I went to a couple seminars."
Me (pulling teeth): "Give me some examples."
MN: "Cross-dressing for women. They taught us how to make our breasts flatter and walk like a boy. But I already know how to walk like a boy because I hang out with all guys."
Me: "...Cool."

No it doesn't.

LR: "Your voice sounds just like Taylor Swift."

Cross-dressing for women

*Discussing MN's recent trip to Boston for the Anime Convention*

MN: "I took a Cross-dressing for women seminar. They teach you to how to stand to make your chest flat and reduce the size of your breasts. They also teach you how to stand like a man but since I always hang out with boys I already do that."
Me: "Oh, cool..."

Gas attack

CS: "I'm going to muh-duh eve-we-body in school with my butt."
Me: "What do you mean??"
CS: "I had chili last night fo-ah dinnuh."

So gay

CS: "Becca?"
Me: "Yeah?"
CS: "You ah gay wight now."
Me: "What...?"
CS (smiling): "You ah so gay wight now."
Me: "Um..."
CS: "Gay means happy! And you ah happy wight now! Did you know they-uh two meanings fo-ah the wohd gay? You ah the happy one. Not the othah one."

Sex ed at an early age

*Walking through a path in the woods behind my elementary school while MD pointed out various trash*

MD: "Soda bottle, ketchup packet, plastic bag, wrapper-"
Me: "-Let's keep moving M!"

*The wrapper was an open Durex wrapper...*

Police record

*At an optometrist appointment with CS*

CS: "Do you know something I'm not pwoud of?"
Me: "What?"
CS: "No! I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to HIM!" (pointing)
Eye doctor: "What are you not proud of?"
CS: "I have a powice wec-ohd and I'm only seven."
Me: "Oh C, that's not appropriate..."

Amewicah

CS: "Ah we still in Amewicah?"

Bitch slap

CS: "Becca? Did you know they-uh's a slap that stahts with a bad wuhd?"
Me: "There is?"
CS: "It stahts with a 'b.'"
Me: "Ohhh, but that's a bad word and you don't say that right? I like that about you C, you don't swear."
CS: "Yeah. But they do on dad's video game Wesident Evil."

I'm flattered, but no.

*While dropping CS off at home*

CS' 4 year old brother J: "M wants to kiss you." (M is their 10 year old brother)

Pregnant working conditions

*CS and I talking after chatting with my pregnant supervisor*

CS: "Should she be wuh-king in huh condition?"

My mom is prettier than you

MD: "My mom is prettier than you."

Pimp slap

*7 year old DR talking to me about a video game he plays*

DR: "And then I pimp slapped him."
Me: "You what?!"
DR: "I pimp slapped him."
Me: "Do you know what that means?"
DR: "I slap him hard?"

Blind driver

DR: "When a person is done being blind, can they drive a car?"

Tooth poop

MD: "I swallowed my last tooth. And you want to know what? I pooped it out!"

I imagine like the Jetsons

DR: "Becca, what's the future like?"

Pony nuts

Me: "So we'll stop at Dunkin Donuts for a treat."
DR: "Ooooo! I love Dunkin Donuts! Dunkin Po-nuts! Po-nuts! Dunkin pony nuts! I love pony nuts! I love pony nuts!!"
Me: "D, let's not say that in public..."

Mom farts

CS: "I nevuh lose my appetite! Except when my mom fa-uhts. Then we all lose ow-uh appetites..."

Too-tight shirt

MD: "Becca, I think that shirt is getting a little tight on you."

Arm strings

*Me and CS rock climbing*

CS: "Owww!!"
Me: "Are you ok?"
CS: "Yeah... you know those stwings in yo-ah ah-ums? It felt like mine wuh pulled too tight."

Trying to get fat

Me: "We're going rock climbing today! It will be great exercise!"
CS: "I don't wanna ex-uh-cise. You wanna know why?"
Me: "Why?
CS: "Because I'm twying to get fat like M (brother) and dad!"
ME: "That's unhealthy..."

Mini Al Gore

CS: "I recycle! Did you know I'm saving the wo-uhld?"

I need a hovercraft

CS: "What's this?"
Me: "A hovercraft."
CS: "I need this! My mom needs this at home."
Me: "Your mom does not need a hovercraft, C."

Job validation

Me: "C, let's go. It's time to get home."
CS: "Aww, do we hafta? I wike meeting wif you!"

Poo in a hole

CB: "What are you guys good at? We have to be creative for open mic night."
M: "I know how to poo in a hole."

Hotboxing the car

CS: "Excuse me, Becca? Can you woll down the window. The a-yah doesn't smell so good in the cah."
Me: "C... Did you fart?"
CS: "Maybe..."

This is your captain speaking

Me: "I used to work at the airport C."
CS: "What pwane did you contwol?"

Your face

Me: "My toe hurts."
MD: "Your toes hurts? Well your face is killing me!"

*MD so badly wanted to tell this joke that she made me say something hurt when in fact, my toe did not hurt*

*Also, I thought she was going to throw her slushie Glee-style on whatever body part I mentioned "hurt", which is why I said my toe. I was wearing bowling shoes at the time...*

Black butt

MD: "You have a black butt."

Set in stone

CS: "Can we play with S tomorrow?"
Me: "It's not set in stone yet C..."

*5 minutes later*

CS: "Can we put the stone in place now?"

Backstabber

MD: "Oh, I've been here before. My grandpa's brother lives out here. But then he stabbed him......back."
Me: "He stabbed him?! Ohhh, he stabbed him in the back."

Great minds

cs: "Becca, you need to get yo-uh ca-uh fixed."
Me: "Why do you say that C?"
CS: "Because it's making funny noises."
Me: "Yeah... what does it sound like to you?"
CS: "Like a jet flying ovah yo-uh ca-uh."
Me: "That's exactly what I thought it sounded like too!!"

2nd Best

MD: "You're my second best friend."

Obama's biggest problem

CS: "Did you he-uh? The pwesident has bed bugs!"

Ratatouille

Me: "We're going to watch Ratatouille today, D!"
DR: "That movie is funny! I like Rabbit Tooty!"

Sex and the City

*Co-worker KV and her client AS discussing movies*

KV: "Let's keep moving... these are adult movies."
AS: "I've seen worse." (Whispers) "I've seen Sex and the City!"

Bigger brain

*After discussing the book CS is reading in class*

Me: "C, why do you like reading?"
CS: "I wike weading because it makes my bwain bigg-uh!"

Rich boyfriend

MD's grandpa: "When are you going to buy a new car with all that money you make?"
Me: "You think I make a lot of money?"
MD's grandpa: "Well, no. Don't you have a rich boyfriend?"
Me: "No, I don't. Let me know if you know of anyone."
MD's grandpa: "You're talking to one! I'm hard to deal with but I've got the money."
Me: "Ha....."

Stuff to do

MD: "I woke up at 4am this morning."
Me: "Why?"
MD: "I had stuff to do."

Peacock

*Listening to BW's Ipod*

BW:"This next song sounds funny..."

*She puts on Katy Perry's 'Peacock'*

Ipod: "I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock, cock... Come on baby let me see what you're hiding underneath. Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?"

Not even kitten heels?

Me: "You know how you can get blisters on your hands, or even on your heels?"
CS: "I don't wear heels!!"

Happy MLK Jr Day

CS: "You know what I want to be when I gwo up Becca?"
Me: "What C?"
CS: "A sculptor!"
ME: "That's great! What do you want to sculpt?"
CS: "What was yestuh-day?"
Me: "Monday?"
CS: "No! What howiday was it?"
Me: "Oh, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day."
CS: "Yeah! I want to gwo up and sculpt Mah-tin Wufuh King June-yuh."

Pregnant?

*Staff member JP discussing her pregnancy with me and BW, while M tries to eavesdrop*

M: "What did you say?"
JP: "I'm pregnant."
M: "You're pregnant?! Oh God!"
Me: "You know M, usually when you hear that the typical response is 'Congratulations'."

Grenade

DR: "How did they blow up the Lake Champlain Bridge?"
Me: "I think they attached explosives to it and used a remote control once they were in a safe place to blow it up."
DR: "Oh... I thought they used a grenade."

Bieber fever strikes again

DR: "Who's this singing?"
Me: "Um... Maybe Natasha Beddingfield or Nelly Furtado? I'm not sure."
DR: "Oh, I thought it was Justin Bieber."

Have you been smoking?

MD's grandpa: "Your eyes look funny, have you been smoking?"

I know

*Singing along to Taylor Swift with MD*

MD: "You need a better voice Becca."

Doesn't work that way sweetheart

*Discussing how her grandfather doesn't allow her to eat candy anymore*

MD (angrily): "I'm gonna ground him when I get home. Seriously."

No hesitation

MD: "I think there needs to be a number in between 1 and 2."
Me: "What would you call it?"
MD: "Durf."