Birthday party

CS: "Becca will you come to my bufday pah-ty?"

It's like freshman year of college all over again

Me: "Hey W, how are you?"
W: "Good, how are you?"
Me (surprised): "Good thanks!"
W: "No, I said WHO are you?"

Mean

CS: "You wuh at a gwave yahd yestuh-day? Is that way-uh you used to wuhk? You bay-weed dead bodies?"
Me: "No, I was visiting my grandparents. They're buried together."
CS: "Did you bwing them flowuhs?"
Me: "No, I didn't-"
CS: "Yo-uh MEAN! Ev-we-one knows yo-uh supposed to bwing flowuhs to whoevuh yo-ah visiting!"

I've almost perfected the art of selective listening

DR's brother: "Excuse me, what's your name?"
DR's grandma: "You know her name! It's Becca!"
DR's brother: "Oh right..."
DR's grandma: "She's the one you take pictures of with your camera as she's pulling out of the driveway."
DR's brother: "GRANDMA!!!"

It's funny because it's true

*Discussing bagels with MD*

MD: "My grandpa doesn't like cream cheese."
Me: "No? So what does he get on his bagels?"
MD: "He can't eat bagels!"
Me: "Why not?"
MD: "He has no teeth duh."
Me: "Oh, right."
MD: "But he eats steak."

No you're not

MD: "After we stop working together I'm going to come over to your house and we can hang out there!"

Spoke too soon

Me: "Ok M, I want you to have one meaningful conversation during group today."
MN: "I don't want to. I don't talk to people I don't know."
Me: "If that were true you wouldn't be talking to me!"
MN: Silence.

Holidays are hard :(

CS: "Becca, I don't need a thay-uh-pist anymo-ah. I stopped actin' out! So maybe we can only see each othah once a week now."
Me: "C, that's great! But I'm not your therapist. So we can still see each other and hang out."
CS: "No! Yo-ah my thay-uh-pist. And we don't weally know each othah that well. I want to be with my wegulah fwends. But we can hang out on othah days, not when yo-ah woh-king at Ba-uhd."

I know, it's hard to believe

MD: "Wait, you've seriously NEVER been married??"

Am I starting to show?

MD's grandpa: "Becca, how are you feeling?"
Me: "Oh a lot better, thanks. I have bronchitis but I'm feeling better."
MD's grandpa: "Oh, I thought it was because you were pregnant."
Me: "Um no. It's bronchitis..."

Gingerbread house making FAIL

*8 year old MD after discovering the gingerbread walls won't stick, as one is laying broken to pieces on the ground*

MD: "Well that really fucks my day up!"

Penguins vs turtles

CS: "Ohhh! An igloo. That's the ice bwick thing way-uh penguins oh-ah tuh-tles live wight?"

This is why I love my job

CS: "Becca, yo-uh my numbah fo-ah best fwend."
Me: "Aw, C, I am?"
CS: "Yeah! My mom is numbah one, my dad is numbah two, Bwian is numbah fwee and yo-uh numbah fo-ah!"

Pull yourself together Rebecca. Do you really want to explain where babies come from??

CS: "My mom was the first one to meet me so she's my numbah one best fwend."
Me: "Aw, that's sweet."
CS: "Actually, the doctahs and nuh-suhs met me fust. They picked me out from the baby room and bwought me to my mom."
Me: "Well, no I think your mom met you first. Before the doctors and nurses even."
CS: "No! The doctahs and nuh-suhs met me fust."

Man, this guy...

BW: "You really need some Justin Bieber on your Ipod."

Now you have me second guessing myself...

Me: "MD, what should I make for dinner this weekend?"
MD: "For your husband?"
Me: "No."
MD: "For your boyfriend?"
Me: "No."
MD: "For your wife?"
Me: "No."
MD: "For your girlfriend?"
Me: "No."
MD: "Are you a lesbian?"
Me: "No."
MD: "Are you a boy that looks like a girl?"
Me: "No."
MD: "Are you sure you're not a lesbian?"

Better than wanting to run me over with it

CS: "I can't wait until I'm a teenag-uh."
Me: "Why's that?"
CS: "So I can dwive."
Me: "What kind of car do you want?"
CS: "A cool wed one! And I'll dwive you a-wound!"
Me: "Will I have to sit in the backseat like you do?"
CS: "Yeah! In a boost-uh seat like me too!"
Me: "It's a deal. In 10 years I expect you to be driving me around in your red car while I'm in a booster seat in the backseat."
CS: "Deal!"

Well then call him up

*Pushing MD on a swing*
MD: "My 98 year old grandfather pushes harder than you!"

Do... Not... Respond...

MD: "Wait, you're 25? You should have a kid by now. My mom was 16."

Trouble

*This conversation took place about a week before the one posted below...*

Me: "So what did you learn in your health class today?"
BW: "I learned what oriole sex is."
Me: "Oh you mean oral?"
BW: "Yeah, oral sex."

About to put my foot in my mouth

Me: "So what did you learn in your health class today B?"
BW: "It's kind of gross."
Me: "I'm sure I've heard it before."
BW: "You sure?"
Me: "Of course!"
BW: "We learned how two gay guys have sex. Did you know how they do it?"
Me: "I did yeah..."
BW: "And we learned how two girls have sex too."
Me: "Oh, well, everyone is different and there are lots..." (I was about to say there are lots of different ways to have sex and different people like different things. I don't think that would get through to a 12 year old. And it might raise some questions that I do not want to answer).

The definition of ADD?

TE: "Ok, pretend that our amusement park is getting robbed. You have to go out the back and we'll lock you in and go after the bad guys.
Me and SG: "Ok, so we just don't move?"
TE and MD: "Yeah!"

*Amusement park begins to get robbed as SG and I sit still and TE and MD run around*

TE: "Buckle your seatbelts we're about to take off!!"
Me: "In the amusement park?? I was unaware it turned into a spaceship."
MD: "Yeah! Buckle!"
SG: "Looks like TE is scaring away the robbers with a shotgun..."
TE: "There's only one jetpack, sorry!"

*TE jumps out of the amusement park spaceship with his jetpack. SG, MD and I are stranded without jetpacks.*

MD: "I found the last one, it was hiding!"
SG and Me: "What do we do? We don't know how to fly."
MD: "I guess you can use these parachutes. They're not very good or fast."
Me: "Ok, it looks like every man for themselves S..."

If I complained I would be a hypocrite

While buckling his seatbelt in my car...
CS: "Excuse me."
Me: "What?"
CS: "It might smell in here..."
Me: "C, did you fart??"
CS: *Smiles*

Happy December

It's been about a week since I last posted because the house I was dogsitting at only has dial up internet and I am far too impatient for that. Lucky for everyone out there because that means I have a couple of quality quotes from the kiddos to post. I have also decided to do one quote per post, for more effect :) Happy December!!